This two-part series, believe it or not, has been harder to conclude than I originally imagined. Part one was easy. The words + experiences + honesty were fresh. I didn’t have to reach too deep into the crevices of my heart and others to talk about what feels good to a human being’s spirit and what doesn’t. Writing part one was liberating. However, writing part two has been rather scary. Like I mentioned in the first chapter of “Is This Love?”, this advice not only comes from what I’ve seen but it also, more than anything, comes from what I have learned. It is hard to reflect on the mistakes that I have made with love. It is even harder to believe in my own credibility knowing that I hadn’t been the most effective vessel for love in the past. I found myself thinking, “Yup, Liv, you actually did that stupid mess too, don’t forget.” I was pretty freaking self-condemning, not even going to lie, and I had to catch myself quickly before my whole series on love was done in vain. I want to begin by encouraging you all to not make the mistake of condemnation as you venture on this journey of discovering true love. For a while, I retreated, I cried, I hesitated… but then I laughed, I smiled, and I congratulated myself because I realized that all of these experiences brought me to find some (not all) of the right ways to love and equipped me to share it with you all today. So, before I get into the last part of “Is This Love?”, I want to say that I am proud of each and every one of US for the experiences that we have been through on our quest for love. For those of you who have been vulnerable enough to share your experiences with me so that I can write this series, I would like to say thank you. Here are the last few things I have to say about love and how to date the right way. Don’t: Date thinking that you can “fix” someone I am just going to get it to you straight no chaser, if you date someone thinking that you can fix them, you are going to end up breaking yourself. If you have found yourself thinking or saying “they have potential” you need to RUN. Run fast because you are in the process of adopting Savior Syndrome. You are not God! Neither does/should your partner ask you to be a god. Helping someone be the best version of themselves is different from trying to fill a void that can only be filled by their mama + daddy + brother + sister and, more than all of these people, themselves and God. We are intricate beings, but sometimes we overestimate our abilities to change a person; we also have too much faith in a person to be willing to change. We desperately need to stop ignoring red flags because we have “chemistry” with a person. Trust me, I get it. It’s hard enough to find someone who understands you and who you click with easily. I am not saying that you should date a person that has zero flaws, but you shouldn’t date a person that makes loving them seem hard or painful. You shouldn’t date a person with a vision of what they could be, but rather who they are now. I implore you all to stop ignoring grossly large problems in your love life (because you think that focusing on a person’s few positive qualities will make it okay) and to begin asking yourself questions about how you really feel: Is this person feeding my spirit? What I am I tolerating/settling for that I shouldn’t? Am I the best version of myself in this relationship? Do: Be intentional Anyone who is close to me knows that my favorite word is intentionality. I probably use this word at least 20 times a day. I use it so much because intentionality is one of the greatest levels of love that you can show with some of the smallest acts. As we build relationships, we must remain cognizant of what we do, what we say, and how we interact with each other. Being intentional means making time for yourself to be alone. Making time for your friends and family when you have a significant other. It means making a point to talk about spirituality. Making sure you and your partner are reading the fine print. But, most importantly, being intentional means establishing a foundation that you and your partner can stand on without feeling afraid. Love is most successful when there is honestly, patience, forgiveness, and selflessness. There was once a guy that I was in a relationship with (pre-period of singleness lol). We had dated for a while, but he knew that I didn’t have time for a relationship and I knew that I doubted his commitment to the relationship more than I should’ve. One day he called me and said, “I think we should take some time apart because I know that I cannot give you the love that you require right now. You are the perfect girl for me, but just not right now.” Although he was breaking up with me, I felt the love in his words. What he said were some of the most intentional words that I have ever been told, and I will always hold respect for him and the relationship because of his intentionality that day. Whatever intentionality looks like to you, make it a point to exercise it as much as you can while you are dating. Your partner will thank you and you will also thank yourself. Love with intentionality, even when it is hard. Don’t: Lose yourself If you are reading this, this is one of the most important nuggets that I have to share with you. I urge each and every person reading this to stay focused on YOU and never give your entire self to one person while dating. It is so incredibly easy to lose yourself and get caught up in a relationship. The adrenaline, the lust, the passion; all of it is truly addicting… and blinding. At this stage in our lives, we are just discovering who we are, which makes us extremely susceptible to losing sight of ourselves when we are in love…. or in lust. Let’s talk about sex for a minute. Before you click out of this, I am not trying to say, “DON’T HAVE SEX”. I am only warning you of the things that accompany the act. Soul ties are very real, my friends, and they can sometimes be the biggest blinders in your life. If your relationship with someone involves sex, take a step back and think about how sex could possibly be clouding your vision and causing you to be caught up in a relationship that is unhealthy. I honestly implore you to keep sex out of your relationship for as long as you can, because it is a sacred and marital act for a reason (a.k.a. you don’t want those problems, big fella). My friends, the person that you are dating is NOT the end all be all. Stop making a human being the center of your life. The love + attention that a person can give you is finite, and one is essentially chasing the wind if they feel as though their partner will fill a void for intimacy, loneliness, and security that truly only God can fill. Do not feel as though you must do everything in your power to prove to someone that you love them. That is losing yourself. Do not let yourself think that you are only happy when your partner is around. That is losing yourself. Stop thinking that you will never find someone else that will love you like they do. That is losing yourself. Do not, by any means, put your partner on a pedestal in your life. That is losing yourself and, unfortunately, losing sight of God. Don’t lose yourself, love yourself. Do: Have fun! - I want to leave this list on a light note by telling you to let your hair down! Like I said in part one, if you aren’t married then stop acting like it. I’ve been around couples that just seem so tense... like sheesh, we are in our 20s. It is the time to live your BEST life, whether you are single or in a relationship. Go on a road trip, go see a drive-in movie, plan a picnic, go to a museum and, for Pete’s sake, PUT YOUR PHONES DOWN. I promise you will have more fun in your relationship without pulling out Snapchat or Instagram every time you get together. The best part about love is that you can relax, breathe, and enjoy life. It is senseless to convolute the experience with distractions, stress, and lack of freedom. Don’t be that partner who “feels some type of way” when their sig wants to hang out with their friends. You both have separate lives and that’s okay. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so give each other some space and learn how to have fun when you are not with each other! Love has so much of a higher potential than what you can even imagine. Don’t limit the number of times you smile, giggle, or feel alive while you are dating. Well, this concludes the last chapter of “Is This Love”. This series was super fun to do and I truly hope that you all enjoyed it as much as I did. I encourage you all to take my list of do’s and don’ts and make your own personalized list. I am just a messenger. I ain’t got all the answers, Sway. The truth lies within you. Ask yourself in all encounters, “is this love?” and take note of what your spirit tells you. I am praying that you encounter the greatest love story of your life, one day soon. And if you already are, Godspeed. Truthfully, Liv
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Olivia McPhaulWriter. Christ enthusiast. Zealot of love. Offering my truth and sharing my imperfect journey in womanhood. Archives
May 2019
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