Today I want to share with you all my testimony. A testimony that led me to a series of truths, epiphanies, and blessings that changed my life and my peace forever. This is how I discovered the difference between losing someone and God removing someone for a reason. For a very long time, I believed that loss was a constant theme in my life. Whether it was with a loved one, a friendship, or relationship, I felt that I always lost the people that I cared about the most and this theme, unfortunately, felt like a truth for me. Most of us know what it feels like to lose a loved one once they die. However, I found myself mourning others who still walked on this earth. That, my friend, is a whole different level of pain. So, what did this pain do to me? It left me angry. Intolerant. Disconnected. Over time, these feelings festered and grew and (although I didn’t realize it truly until now) my heart had hardened. However, the very last time this occurred—when a person that I cared about was with me one day but then completely gone the next—there was a shift. I was alone in my room, listening to “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind” by Lauryn Hill, and I was meditating. I had been meditating all morning, but for some reason I still did not feel a sense of peace. There was a disconnect. A disconnect from God. When I meditate, I talk to God, but over the past few weeks I couldn’t hear Him. I know now that my mind was too clouded with the worries, pain, and distress from my heart that I couldn’t even feel connected to Him like I normally would (now, I wonder actually how long I was stuck in this period of disconnect). My mind was too ill + unhealthy + malnourished to hear from God while meditating…so what did I do? I began to write. I wrote to God, asking Him to give me peace, give me answers, and give me joy. I wrote feverously for the first time in a long time, letting my thoughts and prayers spill out onto the pages of my journal. I don’t remember how long I was writing for, but as I stopped to read the last sentence I wrote, I froze at what I saw. The first thought that came to my mind was, I didn’t write this. No matter how crazy this sounds, I did not write the last sentence in my journal. I may have written it down, but my mind did not conjure up those words. The last sentence read this: “Olivia, you did not lose this person, but I took them out of your life for a reason.” This sentence, which I believe was written by God, is the beginning of my testimony: You don’t lose people, sometimes God just removes them from your life. This lesson transformed the way I think, act, and grow. Now, I want to share with you all how I experienced this breakthrough and moved on from something that wasn’t meant for me. 1) Release In order to truly trust that God removes people out of your life for a reason, you must release them first. TD Jakes said this once before but y’all didn’t want to hear him. If someone can just walk out of your life, LET THEM GO. If a person loves you and cares about you, it is difficult (and sometimes impossible) for them to leave. I am incredibly sorry for being so blunt, but God didn’t create love for it to forsake you. If you release a person and they are meant to stay in your life, then they will stay. If you release a person and weren’t meant to stay any longer, then they will leave. This does not mean that the person did not love you, but it means that they can no longer be a part of the season in your life anymore. And that is okay. God wants you to release these individuals because He is doing a new thing in your life. Trust the process. Trust that God has a reason for whatever situation you are facing, and He will handle it. However, know that the purpose God has for you may include removing people along the way. I had a hard time releasing individuals from my life, and it was causing me a lot of stress, pain, and anxiety. When I finally decided to release, I was ten steps closer to peace and trusting that God was working and building upon my victory. So, let go and let God. 2) Spend Time with God All that God wants is for you to be completely and irrevocably in love with Him. I have to admit, for a long time I had lost sight of that. I was too busy giving all of my love to the people on this Earth (including the ones removed) that I was neglecting my love for God. So, in the weeks before I wrote in my journal that morning, I spent every moment I could with Him. I went to bible study with my girlfriends twice a week, I talked to God at every moment I could get throughout the day, and I even went on a cleanse from secular music. During that time, God was speaking to me left and right and even at times when I didn’t realize it. Each of the bible study lessons sounded like they were made for me!!! The gospel songs I was listening to brought me to my knees and hit me with waves of praise. Like I said before, God literally led my pen across a sheet of paper and wrote me a message. Wonderful things occur when you spend time with God. Your situations will start to make more sense and you’ll begin to understand the ways He speaks to you. Once you give all your love to God, everything (on HIS time) will begin to fall into place and you’ll look at your situation a lot differently. 3) Obedience God wanted me to release a person, so I let them go. God wanted me to spend time with Him and in His word, so I gave all of my love to Him. God gave me a message, and this time I listened and understood. Ultimately, God wanted me to trust Him, and when I obeyed, I can’t even begin to describe to you the glory in what happened next. I experienced a peace that I had never felt before. The peace of God. He revealed to me my passions, provided me with multiple career opportunities, and (even though I spend more time in fellowship with God than studying), I finished the last semester with all A’s. However, the most poignant part of this journey was that God rebuilt me. He gave me life. If God had not removed certain people from my life, I would not be able to experience the blessings He has bestowed upon me. And My heart has not worried and my life has not skipped a beat since that last person was removed from my life. It is so incredibly easy to allow your mind, body, and spirit be controlled by the things on this planet. It is even easier for us to become victim to our sick hearts and to live in a constant cycle of pain, stagnation, and disappointment. However, there is one thing (and one thing only) that cannot be changed, controlled, or marginalized: God’s undeniable love and plan for you. You may try to make sense of your life through what you feel in your heart, but the only truth that is truly viable lays in the hands of God. I realized who I was, a daughter of Christ, and the game changed. God’s truth set me free, and I hope my testimony can set you free from whatever you are holding onto in your life, as well.
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Olivia McPhaulWriter. Christ enthusiast. Zealot of love. Offering my truth and sharing my imperfect journey in womanhood. Archives
May 2019
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